Lately I find myself wondering what path my life will take. At one point I thought I knew. I thought I had found love. Not just any love, true love. I was married. We bought our first house. We were planning a family. That all came to an abrupt end recently and it’s quite obvious now, that what I had was built on something other than love. Love shouldn’t hurt the way I’ve been hurting. I can’t possibly imagine that love is supposed to be like that.

There are so many things I want in this life, and now it seems that I’ve wasted a nice chunk of my life on a man that couldn’t really give a damn about me or my well being. I want to find someone to grow old with. I want to find someone that doesn’t care about my goofy tendencies. I want someone who knows how to communicate with me, even if it’s something negative. I want to find someone that isn’t afraid to show the world they love me. Hold my hand, kiss me, wrap your arm around me. Act like you want to be with me. This isn’t one sided. When I do find that someone, they’ll know it because I won’t hold back. I want to find someone that enjoys spending time with me. I want to find someone that actually wants to have a family. Family is so important to me. I want to raise a child, or children. I want someone with passion, ambition and who isn’t afraid to be spontaneous. I don’t need someone to waste their money on material things to show that they care, even on special occasions. Something like a nice walk at sunset or a cuddle fest during a movie.

I’m probably thinking this out too much. Oh well.

I just know that what I had with him isn’t what I want. What I want is something real. I don’t want to be the only contributor to the relationship. That’s exhausting. I’ve done it before, and I just can’t do it again. Love should be fun. It shouldn’t become a chore and it shouldn’t get old.

Surely this person is out there? And if he is, I wish he’d come find me.