Everything blurs.

I’m starting to wonder if life will settle down. The last 9 months seem like such a blur, almost like they didn’t really happen but I know they did. At times it even seems a bit nightmare-ish.

Like right now. October 20th would be my 10th wedding anniversary. I’m glad it won’t be celebrated and that that part of my life is coming to a close, but I was hoping to actually be divorced before that date came. Unfortunately it doesn’t look like that will be the case. The ex has finally agreed to my biggest term — being the truck. Now it’s a waiting game. My attorney’s assistant has been out with the flu for awhile now. I emailed my attorney tonight to see if she’d made it back to work so we can get this over with ASAP. I’m hoping we can get the paperwork to the ex this week so that he can sign and return them by next week. I really, really, really (did I mention really?) want this over with. I’ve moved on in one sense but for me, I don’t feel I have closure until the papers are signed and the divorce is granted. I still feel, in a way, attached to that part of my life. There’s so much negativity involved with that and some days it just eats at me. I don’t miss my ex, nor do I miss our relationship and marriage, or anything like that at all. It’s just when I think about the things I’ve gone through, the losses I’ve suffered and the struggles I’ve faced.. sometimes it makes me really angry.

I still feel like I’m losing it, and me at times. I am consumed with so many different emotions still. I feel confused at times, angry, sad, happy and pissed — all at the same time. I feel like life is starting to pass me by, and I really don’t want that to happen. I know there’s a lot of good out there.. just waiting for me, but I’m just ready to grab it you know?

Even though I still feel like I’m in a rut, I’ve decided to tackle a lot of areas in my life. Physically; I’ve been doing a combination of walking and running, 8 miles a day, for the last 2 months or so. I’ve skipped a couple of days here and there due to the weather or other things going on but I’m so proud I’ve kept at it. I feel so good when I’m out there, even getting all hot and sticky from the humid air we’re still suffering from here in SE Georgia. I’ve met some wonderful neighbors, and a few furry friends too — a cute black lab and terrier that do laps with me from time to time. I also started working on updating my bedroom and bathroom. I’m going to tackle painting this weekend and with any luck, possibly tiling the area above my shower too. I’d eventually like to tile the entire bathroom floor and replace all of the fixtures to something a little more elegant. This has actually helped me mentally and emotionally by keeping negative things off of my mind. Plus, I love decorating.. even if I’m not that great at it!

There are other personal issues going on right now, with my family.. but these issues won’t be discussed in this forum, sorry!

That pretty much sums it up tonight..